Getting Less Fat and More Fit

I've been a long time lurker in the online weight loss/fitness community, but I haven't commented or participated. I've been observing and contemplating, but not contributing. I think it's about time that's changed.

There are multiple reasons I've decided to participate by starting my own blog - community support, self-identificiation, accountability, the fun (and sometimes angst) of thinking and writing about life, and specifically, weight and fitness issues. Also, it's somewhere to link to on comments. :)

Finally, I think I need another tool in my Get Less Fat/Get More Fit Tool Kit. In February 2007, I weighed 355 pounds. In January 2008, I weighed 260 pounds. Today, I weigh 280 pounds. After a healthy, exercise and healthy eating induced 95 pound loss, I started getting back into the old habits of making excuses, avoiding vigorous exercise and not paying attention to the things I put in my mouth. I've regained 20 pounds in about 6 months, after holding steady for 3 or so. I'm trying to get back on the weight-loss horse, but I can't seem to start using the same systems/habits that worked the first time.

The old exercise routine, which was designed by a personal trainer, has been too difficult to pick up again, because I'm too out of shape. I beat myself up for that. A lot. With cudgels and spikes and all sorts of mental Medieval torture devices. The old eating routine, which was a fairly strict low calorie thing, tracked with an online calorie calculator, has been hard to adhere too, partially cause I'm bored with it, and partially because I feel like eating all the time and just can't seem to do it, this time around. I beat myself up for that, too. A lot.

I used to scoff at smaller people who complained of a 5, 15, 25 pound weight gain. To me, at 355, 20 pounds seemed like a bit of a joke. Even though I was still obese at 260, I was very very fit - I ran 9 miles a week, biked 15-25 miles a week, and had awesome strength conditioning - and I was starting to change my body's shape and what it was capable of doing. After a 20 pound regain, I now understand where all those folks were coming from. Feeling rolls of fat in places that were once smooth is UNCOMFORTABLE. Having clothes pull or cling to areas that were once tailored to fit is TOTALLY CRAPPY. Most importantly for me, however, is the fitness aspect. I can't run anywhere close to the disance I used to without being horribly out of breath, and when I do run, those extra pounds seem to bounce and slap against each other with each lumbering step. My knees hurt, my ankles hurt, and I feel completely awkward and off balance because of that extra weight. I want it gone YESTERDAY.

However, I'm having a hard time remembering that when I feel the need to eat. And eat. And eat. It's like I'm not satisfied these days until I've eaten to absolutely stuffed. I'm having a hard time remembering that when I've stayed up too late and I have to choose between going to the gym and getting in my required hours at work.

And all that makes me feel weak and ashamed of myself, not because I think that being fat is bad - I read a lot of fat acceptance blogs, and believe strongly in health at every size - but because my body is sending me signals all the time that it is freaking unhappy. It doesn't feel healthy fat, and I don't feel healthy fat. See above about how hard it is to run and whatnot.

Okay, okay. I know. Me: Doctor, it hurts when I do this. Doctor: Don't do that. But I love to run. And I don't want to be limited in the activities I can undertake because I'm too fat/unfit to do them. As a friend of mine's father is famously quoted, "Don't do this, don't do that. Might as well lay down and die." It's a quality of life issue, for me. It's important, to me.

So, this blog. It's a place where I plan to talk about exercise, healthy eating, general physical and mental health issues, and my own journey to get less fat and more fit, again. I will post weekly weigh-ins for accountability, and try to use the blog as a place to share some of my experiences, which I hope will contribute to the community in a positive way (though there will no doubt be some whining, crying and other negativity going on when setbacks occur, followed by epiphany, inspiration and elation as the setback is followed by some success or revelation).

Here's to our health!