October's Lessons and Weigh-In

Ouch. It's been a full month since I posted. I guess that says something about how well this month has gone for me in terms of getting less fat and more fit. The month of October, while not resulting in any weight loss, provided some useful lessons:

1. Taking a week or two off from exercise when you've been exercising a lot makes your body feel both good and bad. My knees were a lot happier, but I felt like a low-energy slug.
2. I still eat from stress. We came home early in the month to discover that the upper level of our house (we rent the lower level) had caught fire. It's been a mess, and it's been a pain, and I've eaten a lot this month.
3. I eat to avoid doing things I don't want to do. That's a new realization for me. I've acknowledged that I eat for pleasure, I eat from boredom, I eat under stress, I eat to celebrate. I've been really bored with my job lately, and when I don't want to work, I just mosey on over to the kitchen and fetch a bite, or a hundred, to eat. I can't be doing/thinking about those things I want to avoid if I'm stuffing my face. Can't you see my hands are occupied?!?!
4. Looking at the long term only leads to crap eating and no exercise. This is one of my personal truths: focusing on long term goals results in procrastination and discouragement with regards to losing weight and increasing fitness. I woke up on Sunday this week and realized that I was looking at long term goals, like lose 20 pounds by the end of the year, to excuse my unhealthy behavior every day. I'd justify eating pizza by reasoning that I could just work extra hard and lose 4 pounds instead of 3 NEXT WEEK. I'd justify not exercising by promising myself to exercise for two hours instead of one TOMORROW. Yeah, I'm bad about doing that, with regards to weight loss or other goals I've set in non-body related areas of my life. Anyway, I had this epiphany that probably a lot of other people have had and written about that I've actually read but not grasped because knowing something in your brain is not the same as knowing it in your guts, and that epiphany is this: the only unit of time I should be focusing on is today. If I have a good day, a balanced, healthy day, TODAY, the number on the scale is going to go down TOMORROW. If I exercise TODAY, I will be able to run longer and faster NEXT WEEK. If I eat my fruits and veggies TODAY, I don't need to worry about tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that. If I focus on having a good, balanced day today, just today, I am better able to do all the things I know are good for me - eating extra servings of fruits and veggies, getting in a good workout, getting in my hours at work, and reaching personal goals on the to-do list. We shall see if this epiphany manages to stick.

I've had a good week so far with exercising, thought the eating has still been shite. I need to start keeping FitDay again, even if it makes me want to cry to see what I've eaten. That's kind of the idea, I think. I also need to do better with regards to preparing my food at the beginning of the week, so that I have a healthy go to instead of a convenience food go to.

The weigh in: 278.4

Getting Less Fat and More Fit

I've been a long time lurker in the online weight loss/fitness community, but I haven't commented or participated. I've been observing and contemplating, but not contributing. I think it's about time that's changed.

There are multiple reasons I've decided to participate by starting my own blog - community support, self-identificiation, accountability, the fun (and sometimes angst) of thinking and writing about life, and specifically, weight and fitness issues. Also, it's somewhere to link to on comments. :)

Finally, I think I need another tool in my Get Less Fat/Get More Fit Tool Kit. In February 2007, I weighed 355 pounds. In January 2008, I weighed 260 pounds. Today, I weigh 280 pounds. After a healthy, exercise and healthy eating induced 95 pound loss, I started getting back into the old habits of making excuses, avoiding vigorous exercise and not paying attention to the things I put in my mouth. I've regained 20 pounds in about 6 months, after holding steady for 3 or so. I'm trying to get back on the weight-loss horse, but I can't seem to start using the same systems/habits that worked the first time.

The old exercise routine, which was designed by a personal trainer, has been too difficult to pick up again, because I'm too out of shape. I beat myself up for that. A lot. With cudgels and spikes and all sorts of mental Medieval torture devices. The old eating routine, which was a fairly strict low calorie thing, tracked with an online calorie calculator, has been hard to adhere too, partially cause I'm bored with it, and partially because I feel like eating all the time and just can't seem to do it, this time around. I beat myself up for that, too. A lot.

I used to scoff at smaller people who complained of a 5, 15, 25 pound weight gain. To me, at 355, 20 pounds seemed like a bit of a joke. Even though I was still obese at 260, I was very very fit - I ran 9 miles a week, biked 15-25 miles a week, and had awesome strength conditioning - and I was starting to change my body's shape and what it was capable of doing. After a 20 pound regain, I now understand where all those folks were coming from. Feeling rolls of fat in places that were once smooth is UNCOMFORTABLE. Having clothes pull or cling to areas that were once tailored to fit is TOTALLY CRAPPY. Most importantly for me, however, is the fitness aspect. I can't run anywhere close to the disance I used to without being horribly out of breath, and when I do run, those extra pounds seem to bounce and slap against each other with each lumbering step. My knees hurt, my ankles hurt, and I feel completely awkward and off balance because of that extra weight. I want it gone YESTERDAY.

However, I'm having a hard time remembering that when I feel the need to eat. And eat. And eat. It's like I'm not satisfied these days until I've eaten to absolutely stuffed. I'm having a hard time remembering that when I've stayed up too late and I have to choose between going to the gym and getting in my required hours at work.

And all that makes me feel weak and ashamed of myself, not because I think that being fat is bad - I read a lot of fat acceptance blogs, and believe strongly in health at every size - but because my body is sending me signals all the time that it is freaking unhappy. It doesn't feel healthy fat, and I don't feel healthy fat. See above about how hard it is to run and whatnot.

Okay, okay. I know. Me: Doctor, it hurts when I do this. Doctor: Don't do that. But I love to run. And I don't want to be limited in the activities I can undertake because I'm too fat/unfit to do them. As a friend of mine's father is famously quoted, "Don't do this, don't do that. Might as well lay down and die." It's a quality of life issue, for me. It's important, to me.

So, this blog. It's a place where I plan to talk about exercise, healthy eating, general physical and mental health issues, and my own journey to get less fat and more fit, again. I will post weekly weigh-ins for accountability, and try to use the blog as a place to share some of my experiences, which I hope will contribute to the community in a positive way (though there will no doubt be some whining, crying and other negativity going on when setbacks occur, followed by epiphany, inspiration and elation as the setback is followed by some success or revelation).

Here's to our health!